What Exactly Is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)?

Trigger warning: my content provides a raw, vulnerable point of view on childhood sexual abuse, trauma, and alcohol abuse. The content might not suit everyone; please heed your body’s message to hear more or wait until later.

I recently heard a man talking about his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, describing it as “PTS” and refusing to include the “D” for disorder.  He said he didn’t consider it a “disorder”. I agree, this seems like such an unfair diagnosis.

Especially if what gave you PTSD in the first place wasn’t your fault. Suddenly you become named with a disorder few understand, and no one knows how to heal from. Add a ‘C’ to the diagnosis and it becomes complex. Complex trauma is not even recognized in the DSM.

What makes it complex?

If you found yourself in situations inescapable, with no options, your trauma becomes complex.

Welcome to my world. I’m Lauren and I’m healing from CPTSD.

I mostly considered PTSD the stuff men face from violent wars where they feel stuck and hunted, knowing death is not only possible but likely. The body holds that fear from those moments and when the trauma has ended, the body doesn’t know and still hasn’t released the fear.

The trauma I faced was not from a world war, but one in a family that was sexually and physically abusive. I imagine there’s a large amount of CPTSD people who are not men from war, but children from neglectful and abusive homes, just like me and my sister, who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. 

It was so common to grow up from abuse, I remember a new girlfriend quickly surmising what my aloof relationship with my dad was about – because she had the same with her dad. We nodded in agreement for having these types of dads, who came into our rooms at night and took what they wanted, but we didn’t know what else to say or do for each other.

We didn’t realize that, just like war survivors, our bodies were also holding intense fear from the times we were hunted, raped or beaten.

I grew up in a Catholic Irish family where drinking was always part of the story and getting raped or beaten could be a weekly event. Hearing stories of those killed along the way were told nonchalantly over Tuesday dinner. The mention of how Uncle Eddie’s daughter still hasn’t forgiven him for that one rape. Or how Grandma’s brother was shot in front of the family, in the street in front of their home. Eventually, these traumas became everyday discussion, normalized into our family story.

I was born into my family’s story and their unwritten rules, and I carried them with me, unknowingly, for years. Unconsciously, of course. When you are born into trauma, you don’t know any different so it’s hard to understand why it feels so wrong. And your mind has amazing coping abilities like dissociation and denial that keep you trapped.

Worse yet, complex trauma becomes tied up with your belief systems, often with shame so deep it's hard to face.

The whole family is in on these backward rules, except you. Even your mother says, “Stand by your husband, no matter what.” So, it’s hard to believe in yourself, when everyone else around you is insisting it’s you. “Something’s wrong with you. No one else feels that way.” It’s easy to see how I choose to be a “Good Girl” and stay quiet.

So, you carry the belief something is very wrong with you forward, into your life. Suddenly, you are at brunch with friends and the sound of a cup triggers you (it reminds you of your father, you have no idea why) and suddenly your brain is replaying a scary memory that’s not coming in clear, but you see blood, and your friends are asking if you want more coffee.

Flashbacks come at any moment, at any time, and sometimes can be so jarring a panic attack can ensue.

Our society doesn’t know how to talk about this, so we hide these flashbacks and panic attacks. We don’t know how to describe how it traps us back where we don’t want to be and how frustrating it is. It feels embarrassing to be struggling, much less with something that happened so long ago. So, I quietly hid it for years. I didn’t tell anyone about my “panic attacks”. I felt silly. I was so fine and happy and safe now. The trauma was over. Why was I still feeling it?

But trauma lives in the body, not the brain. And until I felt it, it wasn’t going away.

They say “Feel it to heal it” but it’s not clear how to get started. What did I need to feel? How can I reach the parts I need to see?

It turns out that acknowledging my experience tops the list. Understanding and offering empathy to each part of me that faced the things I faced. Can I travel back to each piece and give myself that empathy? Can I feel that in my body and let it go?

Thankfully, a lot of support is available for healing the physical mind and body. It’s a long road. I hope you’ll join me on my journey.

 

 

Complex Post Traumatic Syndrome may affect 1-8% of the world’s population^[1]

Do I have CPTSD? 

• Prolonged or repeated exposure to traumatic events, where you perceive little or no chance to escape

• Low self-esteem from being told how bad you are

• Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and despair

• Can become life-threatening as the suicide rate is high due to anxiety, and depression. 

• Chronic pain in the body

•  Chronic fatigue

• Overactive amygdala, which is responsible for fears

• Dissociation

• Fragmented Self-concept/distorted sense of self

•  Challenges trusting

• Difficulty with emotional regulation

• Flashbacks/nightmares/panic attacks

• Hypervigilance

• Memory lapses

• Sleep disturbances